Saturday, June 29, 2013

Cooking Up Trouble

I keep seeing something on Facebook that bothers me. It shouldn't just bother me. It should bother Rachael Ray.

These ads are ALL OVER my home page. In fact, in one day, four of them showed up on the right side of the page.

I've seen Rachael Ray lately (on TV, not in real life) and she does look like she's lost a little bit of weight. Not too much, though, because then no one would want to try her yum-o recipes. There's that old rule: don't trust a skinny cook.

But here's why Rachael should be mad: THAT'S NOT HER IN THE PICTURES!

They're showing some ridiculously thin woman who looks like her diet strategy consists of coffee, cigarettes, a piece of fruit and eight hours of exercise daily. NOTE: I might be a bit extreme in my speculation, but if I can see your collarbone, you're not eating enough and someone needs to stage an intervention with you.

If you're foolish to believe you can lose four dress sizes fast without a "crazy diet," you should send me your bank account information STAT so I can help you achieve this goal. Wait. Don't do that. It would make me just as bad as the scammers flooding Facebook with these ads.

If you don't believe me when I say that's NOT Rachael Ray, take a look at this:
Original image can be found here.
That's a recent picture of her. She looks pretty good. Not sickly thin. Healthy.

I'm such a good Internet sleuth (AKA I read USMagazine and know how to Google) that I believe I have identified the poor sap who's being called an insanely skinny Rachael Ray.
Original image can be found here.
That's British pop star Cheryl Cole. If you had something in your eye and tried to focus on that picture, you might think it's Rachael Ray. But it's not. You most definitely should not be online thinking you've found the magical weight loss cure. You need to see an eye doctor right away. And hide your credit cards. You can thank me later.

This isn't the first time I've busted a Facebook ad with misleading pictures. Anderson Cooper never thanked me for this. It's OK. I still love him.

Celebrities may not surf Facebook regularly, but I bet the person(s) tasked with managing their official pages do. They need to contact Mark Zuckerberg and get the site to put a stop to it. It's bad for their image. It's also bad for Facebook. It's the kind of thing that makes me think all the ads - even the ones from brands I know - aren't legit. I know that I shouldn't whine about a site that's free and not a requirement for life, but I hate seeing people and their good names/faces damaged.

So, Rachael, if you're out there, make a call. You don't have to thank me.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Give Me Everything You Have: On Being Stalked

Give Me Everything You Have: On Being StalkedGive Me Everything You Have: On Being Stalked by James Lasdun

My rating: 2 of 5 stars

I expected so much more from this book. A writer who is stalked and harassed by a woman with mental illness should have a great story to tell. Instead, this was an unorganized account of the events. I wouldn't wish this on anyone (the stalking and, to a certain extent, the book). I didn't hate this, but I wish this had been easier to read. It had potential. It just didn't deliver.

View all my reviews

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Morning Confusion

Every morning that I remember to take my multi-vitamin, I am so proud of myself! But today, the bottle was turned around and I saw this:
Instant disappointment.

Why? Because I foolishly thought the front of the bottle was all the instruction I needed.
It says it right there in the title!

ONE A DAY! For more than a year, I have been popping one of these orange vitamins daily (mostly). Now, I learn I'm supposed to take TWO!

This kind of deceptive labeling is something the government needs to drop everything and fix. Who do these One A Day people think they are? Here I was thinking I have been doing a good thing by following the large print on the front of the bottle and the fine print on the back is telling me I'm supposed to double down! It's not like there's not room to print Two A Day on the label. Or they could give me one giant pill to take so that it's truly just one a day. Instead, the label lies. How do I even trust the vitamin counts on the back?

What else is lying to me? I feel like I need to go around my house and interrogate everything. That's what not taking your vitamins at the proper dosage does - it makes you crazy. I am no longer responsible for my behavior. If anyone questions me, I'm blaming the lying One A Day vitamins.

Monday, June 3, 2013

Sometimes Art Scares Me

It's not that I can't appreciate the finer things in life. I can. I can even appreciate the odd things, like cactus flowers that I REALLY want to get up close and sniff but am terrified the cactus will attack me the second I lean in. But on a recent trip to Dallas, I spotted a few things that were artsy but scary.

Like this.

That's a shark fountain.

Those of you who, in the words of the great 30 Rock character Tracy Jordan, live every week like it's shark week probably aren't weirded out by this.

Because I have been terrified to get in murky or really deep water because I saw JAWS as a child, I have so much respect for sharks I just like to give them plenty of room. So much room that they can have the whole ocean.

A shark fountain? You might as well invite sharks to swim their way into your plumbing, then wait for you to take a bath or sit on the toilet! Look at the teeth on that bastard! The only wish you should make into that fountain is for one of those mesh shark suits to wear at all times because the sharks will NOT be happy to learn you've taken them off land and reduced them to the roles of little sculpted boys who pee. They will get revenge. There's not a big enough boat to save you.


I also spotted this while looking for a bathroom in a gallery. I almost emptied my bladder on the spot.

ADOPT YOU? I don't even like looking at you while I write about you! I don't know if this artist was never allowed to play with dolls or ONLY played with dolls, but these little "works of art" are a big, fat cry for therapy. I've actually had this nightmare before. The dolls come to life after dark and they cry and say, "Mama." Then, when I'm trying to figure out if I can make the jump from my bed to the doorway to escape (because it would be crazy to just get out of bed so the super mean dolls can grab my feet, pull me under the bed and kill me), the dolls start to walk and reach for me. I always wake up at that point. I don't know why that dream scares me. I don't have dolls. But I do have a cat who I'm pretty sure wants to kill and eat me. That's a whole other post unrelated to art.

Here's something I can support.

There is NO way Mickey Mouse is still alive. I firmly believe he's just bones but still offering up smiles. Unless Walt Disney froze him, too. How you freeze a cartoon - other than pressing pause on your DVD - is the kind of science I don't get.

I also like this Mickey's cowboy boots and spurs. I suppose a cowboy hat over those ears would be too much to ask? You can totally tell this artist is playing to Texans. Notice how his four fingers are shaped like guns? And he seems to like it. YEEHAW, Y'ALL!

I'm not sure what's happening with his shadow. I've never seen a cowboy mouse skeleton before, so that could be normal.

UNRELATED: Have you ever noticed that skeletons tend to have a lot of their teeth but when you see people who look like they're walking dead they don't have all their teeth? What's that about?

I know art is all in the eye of the beholder, but I have beholden some things that make me think crazy people are just crafty and someone supervising them realizes other crazy people will be all, "OOOOH! I have to have that for my collection!" Since I can take a few pictures and walk away, I'm taking that as a sign I'm not crazy. Well, not THAT crazy.