Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Just Like Me?

I was flipping through one of my favorite weekly non-newsy magazines that gives me celebrity gossip that appears mostly true (US Weekly) when I came across a regular feature: Stars - They're Just Like US!
OMG, YOU GUYS! I WALK MY DOG! However, I have NEVER carried a yoga mat. One more way Reese Witherspoon is better than me.


But wait. It's not just famous adults who are just like us. Take a look at their mini-mes.
I mean, who doesn't do those things (while looking significantly less adorable than those four stylish kids)? SIDE NOTE: Not that I am in the business of kidnapping kids, but I could wear that Seraphina Affleck like a necklace. FBI, seriously, if you're reading this, I am NOT a kidnapper. Shouldn't you be investigating actual threats instead of reading my not-at-all legitimate statements? Losers.

Maybe celebrities aren't like us. Maybe WE'RE like them. Because how would we know how much we all have in common if paparazzi weren't there to take these intrusive pictures and sell them so we could see them?

That gives me an idea. From here on out, NO ONE is allowed to take my picture without paying me first.

PS - NO ONE is allowed to take that last statement and make any kind of alteration to it to make me sound like a prostitute. Because I'm not.

Friday, January 25, 2013


I've had this on my "to read" list for a while. I've heard good things … hope they're right on!

The Presidents Club

The Presidents Club: Inside the World's Most Exclusive FraternityThe Presidents Club: Inside the World's Most Exclusive Fraternity by Nancy Gibbs

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

"Whether we're Democrat or Republican, we all care deeply about this country… All of us who have served in this office understand that the office transcends the individual." --George W. Bush

No matter how bitter they fought during a campaign, the few men who have been President of the United States all understand that. They may not always like each other, but they know it is one of the most difficult jobs in the world. They judge, but not publicly.

"Only the president himself can know what his real pressures and his real alternatives are. If you don't know that, how can you judge performance?" - JFK

And sometimes, they really care for each other.

"I don't want to tax you, but I always want you to know I need your counsel, and I love you." - LBJ to Truman

They even try to explain things to us outsiders.

"I think people see George (H. W. Bush) and me and they say, 'That is the way our country ought to work." -- Bill Clinton.

If these men can put their politics aside and work together to make the planet better, why the hell can't the rest of us? This book doesn't exactly answer that. However, it did satisfy my history/politics loving soul.

View all my reviews

Monday, January 21, 2013

A Cocktail Here, A Cocktail There

As a girl who can make ANYTHING into a drinking game, I figured a trip to something called a Cocktail Conference would be a good adventure. I received no fewer than three invitations, so I thought was definitely a sign that I needed to give my liver a pep talk and do this. So I did.

For people who peddle booze, they're WAY more organized than my favorite bootleggers on Boardwalk Empire could ever be! You think Nucky would ever be so legit he'd have not just one but TWO glossy books detailing the agenda and mapping the places participants can go to learn about drinks and sample them (because just letting someone look at alcoholic beverages but never sample them would be as mean as taking a baking lesson and never getting a bite of cake).

We set out Saturday morning to see what this was all about. We watched a competition where bartenders were given ridiculous drink orders and were graded based on the amounts of alcohol in the drink. Apparently, they used to judge these competitions on taste, but that's subjective and participants could fill the room with their pals. Then, they passed these drinks around the room for all to sample. I had a sip of one drink from the first contestant. I am so easily impressed (and uncoordinated), I might have gasped when I saw him shaking a drink with one hand while stirring a drink with the other. It wasn't tossing bottles in the air (a la Cocktail) but it was magical!

Then, it was off to the tasting room. I'm going to try to tell you what I remember from these photos.

Tito's vodka. Made in Texas, y'all! That was a little taste of margarita. It was good. NOTE: I can't figure out how to make iPhone focus on things in the foreground sometimes. And some of those times are when I'm all "OOOOH! Tequila!!!"

I filled my goodie bag with a koozie, pin and I think a sticker. I'm not sure.
I asked for a sample of this concoction of cinnamon-vanilla something with cherry whiskey and cranberry juice. I was handed a full-on drink. Oh, I have to mention the ice. They had these giant squares of ice. The cubes were so big, you only needed one in your drink. It was like a teeny iceberg floating in alcohol. And it was heaven. This drink I liked, but I think it was the cinnamon warming my throat (oh, yes, I was drinking alcohol under the influence of allergy medication because I thought that was why my throat hurt).
If you haven't tried jalapeno tequila, you're missing out. This makes one of the best margaritas I've ever had. I had actually tried this before, but, again, the whole spicy thing makes a sore throat better made me finish this.

This whiskey was not fancy.  The guy on the right (who I kept looking at thinking he looked familiar before I realized he resembles Giovani Ribisi) wanted us to know how unfancy this booze was. He said it was for shooting. Then he offered us a Lone Star to chase it. Every bit of that made this booze a little cooler. It probably did not taste awesome, but who cares? It was FREE. And he was honest. You can't not like that. And if you can, you're a snobby jerk.
 That is Kinky Friedman! Not really. It's a cardboard cut out of him. He's in the tequila business. His tequila was pretty good. I might have taken more than my share of shot glasses.
By this point, I decided I might be getting tipsy and should quit tasting things I had before. When I turned the corner and saw this display, I had to stop.
Yes, friends, I had absinthe. It was very licorice-y. I kind of liked it, even though the guy did not have the sugar cube that is apparently required for serving this mythical booze. I did not hallucinate there on the spot. I did have a dream that I had a talking panda. Might be the best dream I've ever had!
I had wanted to try the sweet tea vodka (because I'm from Texas and we do sweet tea, y'all). This girl and her awesome hair made me a nice drink mixed with lemonade. I could (and probably should) have made this my only drink.
I knew it was vodka, but forgot all about it with every sip. I would have finished the whole thing if someone hadn't spilled it on me.
I don't know what this tastes like, but I have a small bottle of this vodka to try at some time.
I walked out of the room for a bit, then saw this guy. I followed him back in and took the picture. DUDE IN A SKIRT! THAT'S A DUDE IN A SKIRT!

This was something with ginger beer. I don't remember what that was, but it was the first time I've had ginger beer by itself. I liked it.

If you ever get the chance to go to one of these things, do it. Just have a driver or a plan that involves food (which, aside from olives and lemons, was not around) and nothing else on your schedule.

PS - you should know that consuming just about every type of alcohol in the world will NOT kill a cold. It will only make it angry.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

An App To Make You Look Insane

While checking Facebook on my phone this morning, I got one of those annoying ads that only used to show up online instead of part of my phone feed.
As someone who texts, I take great offense here. First of all, I am documenting life's beautiful (and crazy) moments. I'm not losing anything. And I don't need an app to try to decipher what I'm saying in text form to send to someone. I have Siri (and that bitch does what I say).

Then, I took a look at this picture. I assume the people in black and white are the OLD texters. The girl in the color photo smiling while appearing to take a photo of herself must be the one NOT "losing life's beautiful moments."

You know who looks like the loser here? The girl in color.

She's the girl I want to punch. The person whose every update is about her and when it's not, it's sometimes not subtly asking people to tell her how awesome she is. She's the girl I don't friend or follow. Because it's too much. I don't have the energy to constantly tell someone how wonderful he/she is. I'M TEXTING!

And when, like those people in black and white, I actually text, I don't look like an insane talking slowly into my phone, then looking at it to see if it correctly interpreted my words to send to the right person. I can see my sender and my message and send it faster than the creature in the phone can. And even when autocorrect takes over, I can still fix the mistake quickly. More importantly, I can do it without letting people know that I have a little bit of crazy in me. Plus I'm not making noise. No one hears me when I thumb a text reading "I am trying to take a picture of this weirdo shouting at her phone without her seeing me." YES, I HAVE ACTUALLY SENT THAT TEXT BEFORE. If you don't believe me, you've never had a text exchange with me.

My only regret is that I haven't invented an app like this to make people look foolish in public so that I can document my success. Yet.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Awards Show Season Fun!

I love this time of year! It's not just the promise of cooler weather (not always a guarantee in South Texas). It's the REAL awards shows that make me happy! Sure, there are awards shows that happen at other times of the year, but I don't think most of them count. I don't think the celebrities think they count, either. Did you notice no one mentioned the MTV awards in Whitney Houston or Michael Jackson's obituaries? See. Doesn't count.

I'm especially excited about tonight's Golden Globes! Not only do we get a chance of a drunken celebrity acceptance speech (that ain't water they're sipping at those tables), but I finally got the awards show hosts I've asked for: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
PS - I've requested their hosting skills here. Not only are these ladies funny and spontaneous, they also have a little bit of awards show spirit. They've created a drinking game for tonight's show! Here are their rules if you're unable to click that link:

THR: OK, so can you come up with a couple of rules for a Globes drinking game?
Fey: Any time an actress cries in a speech, drink. Any time you see a person actively not listening to someone onstage, drink.
Poehler: Any time someone says, “I didn’t prepare anything!”
Fey: Any time anyone thanks Harvey Weinstein, eat a meatball sub.
THR: How about any time they show Judi Dench?
Fey: Yeah. You take off an article of clothing.
Poehler: Any time Maggie Smith wins.

I like those, but I also have my own. If you're too lazy to click the link (BTW, even I am not that lazy), here are my additions:
  • Drink when a winner thanks his/her mom.
  • When the accountants take the stage, drink when they start talking and don't stop until the music plays them out. Note: If you're new to drinking, skip this rule. It could kill you.
  • Drink when the hosts get the giggles.
  • Drink when the hosts or presenters sing.
  • If a host, presenter or winner curses, read their lips, shout the curse word, then drink.
  • Drink if you see a wardrobe malfunction (and this does not include a gorgeous celebrity in a bad dress - think nipple).
I have one more request: please don't play this or any other drinking game if you have to drive somewhere tonight. I am pretty sure the police will still take you to jail if you're drunk and you cite this game as the reason. Also, I'm not in the bail bonding business, so I can't help you.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Currently Reading

I'm a bit of a politics nerd, so this peek behind the Presidential curtain excited me.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Payment, Please

What's worse than a telemarketer calling for money? How about this guy?
A bill collector on wheels.

I've seen this one at least twice.

You bill for me? I hope it's when I actually owe someone money and not part I'd some scam where your robot calls and says I owe money, then I call and you're trying to sell me something. Whoever's behind that racket is a jerk.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Happy New Year?

I like the promise of a new year. Every year I have lived in my house, I hate how my neighbors ring in the new year a little more.

I wouldn't mind if they took their celebration outside for 15-20 minutes. But this is what goes on for two hours.

BANG! BOOM! FIZZLE! It's like these people bought out a fireworks stand! And look at this:

Does that look like a dog who is having a good time? No. When he's not hiding under my bed, he's begging me to find out why we're under attack and to give them whatever they want to make it stop.
If it's that annoying to us, I can't imagine what it's like to parents of small children trying to sleep.

If you're one of the people who enjoys putting on the two-hour display of slow explosions, please think of us and others in your neighborhood on these fireworks holidays. If you don't, we might have to call the police and report a crime more serious than your explosives (because we all know those fireworks hotlines are worthless). Or we'll get up really early to make noise outside your house. Or you might catch me letting my dog poop in your yard without me picking it up. I don't know what I might do next time. I know I've got until July to figure out my plan. Jerks.