Monday, October 31, 2011

Happy Halloween!

I am not in costume, but I am looking for candy. Until I find some (and believe me, I WILL find some), I hope these cards put you in the spooky spirit! xoxo

Sunday, October 30, 2011

We All Turn Into Our Mothers

It's true.

I have joked with my mother (calling her "Grandma" to get her riled up), but I never thought it would actually happen. Then, this weekend, I received the proof.

If you're new to my blog, here's a refresher: my Grandma sends cards for practically every occasion (see these previous posts). Now that you're caught up, here's the update.
That's the card from Grandma. She jumps right into the conversation with the "How many miles do you have on your car now?" (We both bought new cars within a few weeks of each other) And there's the update, "We keep busy going to exercise and then a nice winter nap." Oh, how I can't wait to be a senior citizen when a midday nap is not only appropriate, it's expected. Then, the Halloween update, "We don't have any treaters so we go to Mark's." Still, it's nice to know Grandma took time out of her exercising, napping and alleged pile sorting to get a card in the mail.

At the same time, my mother apparently had the same idea.
Mom's not wordy. And M.I.A. is her cat (pretty sure the cat did not actually sign it because a. she probably cannot hold a pen and b. she hides from me when I come to visit). But that's not the only similarity between the two generations.
Mom filled up the card with coupons!

Grandma's card was empty (though it usually comes with a random newspaper clipping). But the coupons? They're the same ones I get at the checkout/in the newspaper and throw out because my picky pets don't eat that food. Also, I hardly think it's a deal to get $1 off six Benefuls. That's as annoying as a 50 cent coupon for Tide.

I am sure that if my mom reads this she will send a few expletives my way and deny that she's becoming her mother. There's also a chance that the next time I see her, she will punch me in the arm when I least expect it and say, "You know why I did that!"

Since I only have furkids, it's a little hard to imagine me doing this to them. I suppose it's possible. I could get them cards and put them on my lap, open them and read to them.

God. If that's what my life becomes, someone please take me out to the country and leave me for dead. I can't become that lady. I think I'd rather become my mom. Or my grandma - only unlike her, I'll skip trips to the Dollar Store for an extra long nap. Because I can.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Week In Pop Culture

In my mind, Sandra Bullock doesn't have a stylist. She's just naturally this cool.
There was a tragic accident on that Expendables set.

Little Miss Sunshine is no longer little, but she's still full of sunshine.

I can't wait to not watch Charlie Sheen's new TV show.

Alec Baldwin's new home is awesome.

Jennifer Love Hewitt should only wear this dress.

Matthew Perry looks like he's having a rough time.

Sinead O'Connor: this may be why the guys don't want to sex you.
I'm not sure this is what people wanted to see when they bought tickets to Britney's concert.

Usher learned the hard way not to park in a handicap space.

Star Jones may be returning to TV.

Matt Lauer appears to have himself a man crush on Justin Timberlake.

I like Jason Segel, but I don't like this movie idea.

Omar Sharif sounds like a jerk.

The most unbelievable part of this story: Paris Hilton needs all that security.

I'm still on the fence about Madonna's Superbowl performance (and it  hasn't even happened yet).

Jennifer Lopez wants to make sure everyone knows she's out there.

Marie Osmond went to the hospital.

Ricki Lake lost 20 pounds but gained a camel toe.
Here's one more reason to watch Up All Night.

I'm kind of glad there won't be a Beverly Hills Cop 4.

Bette Midler grossed me out with this story.

Nothing about this Eva Longoria movie sounds like a hit.

Billy Joel's daughter says her ex gave her HPV.

Lionel Richie is singing country music now.

Like daughter, like father: Lindsay Lohan's dad was arrested.

FYI:  new Superman's body suit does not need padding.
Alcohol poisoning killed Amy Winehouse.

Steven Tyler fell in the shower after suffering "food poisoning." But I think he looks familiar.

I like the idea of Aaron Sorkin writing a Steve Jobs biopic.

One of those Big Bang Theory actresses is engaged.

Jennifer Aniston wants you to know why she's not super-skinny anymore.

I'm really worried about Adele's voice.

Tony Romo and his new wife are expecting a baby.

James Van Der Beek and his wife are expecting a baby.

Katy Perry is showing off her holiday spirit a little early.
This is how you know it's REALLY getting serious between Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez.

Tara Reid's marriage wasn't real. That makes sense.

Lindsay Lohan is posing for Playboy.

Robin Gibb does not look well.

Darrell Hammond's new book is a shocker.

Andie MacDowell is selling her house.

I'm super excited about Ben Affleck and Matt Damon working together again! But I seriously hope Ben gets a haircut before then.

At least Kelly Osbourne knows this is not a good look. Ya listenin' other Hollywood granolas?
Frankie Muniz is engaged.

Robin Williams is married.

The Talk keeps juggling hosts.

Fine, Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon. We'll look at your babies!

If you think you can handle it, click here to see Sofia Vergara in a bikini. And here's Kirsten Dunst in a bikini.

Jimmy Fallon just might save NBC.

These two still creep me out.

Hey, Jessica Simpson! This is why no one wants to pay you to state the obvious: you're pregnant! And (assuming she's reading this) why are you apparently naked and shoeless in a department store restroom?
Madonna's brother is homeless.

Leah Remini may be headed back to TV.

Like Jennifer Lopez, I cry when I hear her music. Unlike Jennifer Lopez, my tears come from my ears. Wait. That's blood.

So, Ashton Kutcher is still out there talking about "life."

Salma Hayek, stop it.
Loretta Lynn was sick. She's better now.

I'm SO happy I don't watch Tyler Perry movies.

Hmmm. Not sure how I feel about a movie version of My Name Is Earl.

Stories like this make me think networks really have no idea why people quit watching TV.

I like this story about Kate Winslet, The Hero.

Natalie Portman's son is super cute!
This country singer is having a baby.

One of those American Pie guys has a new baby.

Michael Douglas's son is in more trouble.

I'm pretty sure Governor Perry won't be attending Sarah Silverman's Austin gig.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Bank of America Tries To Get It Right

Nearly two weeks ago, I wrote about Bank of America's latest failure. It was not in the news, but if you're too lazy to click the link, here's the summary:
I received a FedEx letter with my address but another couple's name stating my home was facing foreclosure.
After a frantic phone call, I learned it was, in fact, a mistake. That mistake was really unsettling. I knew that it's possible for banks to foreclose on the wrong property. But what was especially frustrating was the flippant attitude from the call taker. Her slight laugh while saying, "We transposed a number."

I made demands. I wanted a letter stating my home was not in jeopardy. I wanted Bank of America to make damn sure that if they foreclosed on a property on my street that they would choose the right one. What I really wanted - and didn't want to ask for - was a sincere-sounding apology.

After playing phone tag with someone from the bank's "Privacy Event Management" office (can you believe they have to have one of those?), I got the last part with the promise of a letter to keep for my own records. There was something about the gravelly sounding man's voice that made me feel like maybe, just maybe, Bank of America may be able to right my situation which is now officially an investigation.

Part of me wants heads to roll, but I know that won't happen. The best I can hope for is the bank will double, triple, maybe quadruple check addresses when dealing with foreclosing on some one's home. It's serious, tragic business. It shouldn't be laughed off when an error is made. I'm pretty sure those CEOs making millions would be even angrier than I was if someone missed a number on their bonuses. They should make sure the people making significantly less than them ALWAYS get the numbers right.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Ten Things About Marlee Matlin

You know, there are a lot of REALLY negative people on the Internet. A LOT. Finding a little bit of positive helps restore my faith in humanity. I stumbled across actress Marlee Matlin's Twitter feed and decided she is all the warm fuzziness I need.
She has a smile that says, "Nothing is going to drag me down!" Plus, I still remember how well she performed on Dancing With The Stars (while not being able to fully hear the music she was stepping to).

I hope these ten tweets from Ms. Matlin give you the same glimmer of positive hope they've given me. And, in case you don't look at the fine print, these are all really recent.

Here goes:
If this doesn't make you smile, well, I don't know what will. I hate that so many families have been broken up by war. So many kids have grown up without parents. So many of them have lost parents. Just knowing that these families will be together soon makes me happy!
This is something I really don't get about online trolls. What is the point of following someone or a group you don't like if it makes you write nasty and mean things to them? Is it really worth the rise in your blood pressure to say something hurtful? I really wish people would stop and think what their mothers or their bosses would think if they knew they were writing these things. Also, if you wouldn't say it to some one's face, you shouldn't write it. I sometimes find myself writing mean replies to jerks, but I delete it, then block the sender (when possible). You don't have to like me and you don't have to follow me. So, don't.
This reminds me of those church people who shall remain nameless so as not to draw a whole lot of attention to them. You know the ones - they protest soldier funerals. They have signs with hateful words on them (yes, I know that's protected by the First Amendment - doesn't make it right). Here's the thing: I refuse to believe that God is proud of that. I love people who are different. Different shakes you out of a rut. Different makes you think. Different makes you appreciate. Embrace that, people!
If politicians want to know how to lose my vote, it's by allowing people to cheer sick people without insurance and boo a gay soldier. If you're President, you speak for those people. And, BTW, those people VOTE! If you can't do that before Election Day, don't count on my support. Shameful.
Dudes, don't. Ever.
Because so many of those things are connected. And because the poor cannot afford to donate thousands of dollars to get a candidate/elected official's attention. They deserve to be heard and helped.
What's better than knowing a celebrity eats cake? The recipe for said cake! Now, will one of you make that for me?
This reminds me of one birthday my brother and I had together. We had one cake. Little known fact about me: I like cake. I kind of like to share it. But it's better - when you have more than one celebrant - to have more than one cake. ALWAYS. Because slices of different cakes are always a good time!
Food on a stick! How can that NOT make you happy? I'm kind of glad I can't smell this picture (not that I tried) because it would make me hungry. Also, I need sticks to skewer meat and veggies for my own grill. Why haven't I done this?
This is a great way to end this. News is tough. I see more of it than you non-news people. It is sad. It is tragic. No matter what I see each day, I try to find something that makes me happy so I can take that deep breath and call it a day.

Thank you, Ms. Matlin, for making me smile!

Related Posts:

Sunday, October 23, 2011

I'm A Helper

This is one of my least favorite packages to find on my doorstep.
Who the heck still uses a phone book? And how could these possibly be a money-making venture? Are The Yellow Pages hoping for a large retro movement where hipsters will abandon their smart phones and wi-fi and use a book to find phone numbers?

Look, I admit that even I have trouble remembering my own number. But here's the thing: my home phone (yes, I have one of those) and my cell phone remember numbers. All I have to do is press a button and it will even dial it for me. And if I don't know a number, I use Google or I phone a friend (not as exciting as Who Wants To Be A Millionaire). Because it's easy.

Also, I can't help but wonder if the army deployed to lob these at front door (in a non-recyclable plastic bag) make minimum wage. Because they should make a LOT more than that. Those books are heavy, y'all! And I know this because every time I pick up this unwelcome delivery, I have to haul it to the recycle bin - all 30 steps or so. I really hope they're recyclable - or I guess the people who do the cursing will curse me even though they should blame the jerks cranking out these books as if we were in 1994 (or whatever time people relied on phone books).

This mini-rant made me wonder if there's some way to opt out of these along the lines of the No Call Registry. A quick search turned up this site.

It kind of seems legit. Don't you think this language is promising?

Because we understand that delivering unwanted directories doesn’t benefit anyone. All participating companies must follow the guidelines in our Commitment to Consumer Choice.

And I'm hoping they mean it, because I entered my zip code and found about eight (EIGHT!!!) different phone books scheduled for delivery. I chose to stop delivery on all of them. Now, I wait with my fingers crossed to see if this site really works. They can talk about "reducing carbon footprint" all they want. The best way to get that footprint to shrink is to stop printing unnecessary books. Maybe we all need to rise up and sign up to stop these deliveries for good.

(I think) I've done my part. Now, it's your turn.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Week In Pop Culture

A little wind makes Al Pacino look a little crazy.
I'll probably watch this movie.

Seriously, someone needs to get Christina Aguilera some pants.

Joey Lawrence would like you to look at him.

I'm pretty sure the memoir Lindsay Lohan's mom is writing won't be 100% truthful.

If Jessica Simpson is pregnant, she apparently won't say unless someone pays her.

Sarah Jessica Parker's twins are super cute!

An actress had skin cancer.

It's news to John Travolta that you don't book tables at KFC.

Werewolves are hotter than vampires.
Ricky Gervais made some not-nice comments on Twitter.

Scarlett Johansson may have a new man.

If you give me a few million to buy Dennis Quaid's ranch, I'll share it with you.

I think a Top Gun sequel is about 20 years too late.

I love Daniel Craig, but I could support Hugh Jackman as Bond.

Lindsay Lohan is still not getting it (and by "it," I mean how to be a responsible adult).

Katie Holmes is talking about how hard it is being her. Excuse me while I get a tissue.

I'm glad Patrick Swayze's widow is happy about his wax figure.
Danny Masterson and Bijou Phillips are married.

Mariska Hargitay has a new baby.

I'm with President Obama: no one should be watching The Kardashians.

Taylor Swift wants to do more acting.

Sorry, action fans. Mickey Rourke won't be in Expendables 2.

This lawsuit doesn't make me think Kabbalah is legit.

When I see clips like this, I think Kristen Wiig's impression is right on.

Jenny McCarthy is writing another book.

Selena Gomez has a creepy stalker who sounds like he's suffering from more than Bieber fever.

Jennifer Aniston is going to regret going braless because gravity doesn't need much time to take over.
Soulja Boy should maybe change his name to Inmate.

I hope no one I know is wasting money on this Kate Moss yoga statue.

I swear I did not put someone up to punching Shia La Beouf in the face.

Ladies, if this is happening to Serena Williams, you might want to reconsider hair extensions.

Susan Sarandon called the Pope a Nazi.

Britney Spears put her man in her new video.

I'm pretty sure Usher didn't plan to have a wardrobe malfunction in front of Bill Clinton.

Speaking of BC...

Wow. Celebrities really need a lesson in how not to be hacked.

No, Robert Downey, Jr., I will not forgive Mel Gibson.

I hope ABC didn't pay for this.

Giuliana Rancic has breast cancer.

If these two got together, it seems like they'd be sweaty.

An actress married her Idol.

If you can handle Sofia Vergara in a bikini, click here.

I'm on Beyonce bump watch.
I so want these two not to be a couple.

Tone Loc collapsed on stage.

Catherine Bell is getting divorced.

Zachary Quinto wasn't a very good secret keeper.

Sorry, Angels.

Jean-Claude Van Damme apparently thinks he's an action hero in real life.

Larry Hagman is fighting cancer.

This seems kind of tame for Nicki Minaj.
We have a Bee Gee down!

I don't know which one of you said, "We need more Fred Durst," but this is all your fault.

A one-time TV bad girl is now married.

Rest in peace, Dan Wheldon.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Someone Tell Me What This Means

I was a little excited to see a special edition of People magazine in my mailbox the other day. It was all about being "gorgeous at any age." Now, I'm not crazy enough to think I could ever compare to the actresses and models (who can afford any cream, serum or injectable to keep their youth). But I found myself flipping through the pages "OOOHing" and "AAHing" at how some of the stars I think I've watched my whole life have not aged - except in the hand area.

Then, I saw this.
At first, I was all "Why is Christina Aguilera sleeping in an ad?" Then, I looked a little closer and noticed a few things.
  1. That is not Christina Aguilera.
  2. No lady is using black sheets.
  3. "The preferred bedding of professional athletes and celebrities."
  4. Performance sheets? WTF does that even mean?
How do I know that's not Christina Aguilera? Because I'm pretty sure if it was her, she'd be holding a microphone to remind you that she sings. Loudly.

It's true that ladies don't buy black sheets. Those are reserved for gigolos. And maybe porn stars. But mostly gigolos.

I went to the Sheex (super lame) website to find out why athletes and celebrities would like these. I found this video.

Does that look like anyone you know? If there really are famous people who love these sheets, they'd gladly take money to roll around in them for a commercial or ad. I mean, when you can't even get a Kardashian to pimp your product, why would I even think this is even remotely true?

Now, as for that "performance" business, descriptions like "transfers body heat" and "moisture wicking" and "breathability" sound more like workout attire than bedding. Or like they secretly have Viagra or something in these. That's why I don't believe anybody who doesn't make a living in bed is buying these. Not that there's anything wrong with that - oldest profession and all. Wait. I just realized maybe Lance Armstrong or Barry Bonds should endorse these. That way, they can claim the sheets were the only thing that gave them an edge in their respective games.

And why can't I find a thread count listed anywhere on their website? Are these disposable? Maybe if I went in a store and could get a feel of them I'd reconsider. Now I sound like a creeper.

Forget it. I'll stick with my high thread count sheets. They never disappoint.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Have You Hugged Your Boss Today?

If you haven't, don't. If you have, you might be reading this from the waiting room outside the HR office. It's Boss's Day (not to be confused with "Bossy Day," an unofficial holiday I'm trying to get Hallmark to get behind). Maybe one of these cards would be good for your boss - but I would advise against sending one of them unless you know for a fact your boss wouldn't mind.
And this one feels like it was lifted from a conversation I've had a few times with my boss: