Monday, January 31, 2011

Month In Google

January's a long month, but Google didn't offer a whole lot. This appeared on MLK Day.

At first, I thought, "Oh, it's just kids playing hopscotch." Then, I realized the kids were different races. I guess people my age don't think that's unusual. But it is a reminder of how far this country has come.

January 19th featured this fun doodle:
It marked what would have been the 172nd birthday of artist Paul Cezanne.

The following day, this doodle appeared:
It was to mark the 50th anniversary of JFK's inaugural address.

Ten Things

In case you can't tell, I love funny. Note: That's FUNNY with an "F," not to be confused with PUNNY with a "P." So, this time, I thought I'd single out a lady who makes me laugh on TV and on Twitter.
Here are ten things I learned from/about Mindy Kaling on Twitter.

I thought the same thing while watching the Screen Actors Guild Awards. When I saw that ad with the little pig going "WEEEEEEEEEEEE!" I thought, "Interesting. This awards show is on cable and their recognizing commercials? When does Real Housewives of Atlanta start?" Just glad I wasn't all dressed up and forced to sit through that.

She loves basketball! Now, I live in what feels like Basketballville, USA, (only when the Spurs are winning). But, I don't love the sport. In fact, I only watch it when I have to (I have this whole no sports unless there are good commercials thing). I have decided to root for the Denver Nuggets because of their fantastically tattooed team, but I have to admit that besides Googling images of players, I have yet to watch a single minute of them play. I'll let Mindy root on the players for me and girls everywhere. Oh, and ESPN, if you're looking for a girl to get people to watch your network, bring her on board. Girl is good!

Love this idea so much, if I ever get married, I will find a theme song - likely one that would cover up my stumbling as I am perhaps one of the clumsiest people in the world. Maybe, in a tribute to Mindy, I'd choose the theme from The Office or Mad Men - unless it would cost too much. Then, I'll hum two seconds of it at a time.

For. REAL. I have seen Martha Stewart make this look easy. It has only made me call her not-so-nice names while I break into a sweat to compel the sheets to fold up nice and respectable-like. Good thing they just wind up in my closet, not to be seen by anyone except the cat.

Not racist. As far as I know, they ARE the same person.

I am fairly certain that if Natalie Portman showed up to collect her Oscar like this
AND quacked, there is no way the show would play her off with music. Also, if she laid an egg on the stage, I'd give her a lifetime achievement award (my own, I don't think the snooty Academy would appreciate that nearly as much as I would).

She is really good with the whole hashtag thing. Oh, yeah. She's a WRITER.

And this is why I'm refusing (for now) to buy pajama jeans.

Seriously. A good talker is almost always better than a good walker. I do like a good strut, but if all you can say is, "Uh. Um. So..." I'm over it.

YES! Also disturbing: my hair after such a stunt. I'd do it and take pictures, but I have things to do, people!

Related Posts:

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Ugh. THIS Guy.

Look, fellas, I totally get the whole mid-life crisis thing. But must you really announce it to the world?
First, there's the Porsche. Is there any other flag a dude can waive that says, "I think I'm hot - and you should, too, because my ride is super fly." Oh, and if you talk like that, I believe you're a douchebag. Your fancy car won't impress me. Nor will your multiple gold chains.

Now that we're done admiring your car, let's take a good look at the license plate.
I had no idea what this meant, so I asked the photographer behind the plate for the story.
"A Z06 is the model of Corvette that is the "racing edition" so i would assume that this dbag thinks he has the Porshe version of a Z 06."
Oh.  So it's not enough to have a car that can go really fast, this guy must insult other guys in fast cars? I get it now. He clearly has a small wiener. If you know him, please tell him I'm sorry about that.

Related Posts:

Saturday, January 29, 2011

I Knew This Looked Familiar

Ever since I saw the lovely Scarlett Johansson on the red carpet during this year's Golden Globes, I thought there was something very familiar about her hair.
It wasn't the pretty (no doubt very expensive) barrette pinned on the side.

It was that blown back, teased part. Not only did it make me wonder how the heck she could ever relax without ruining it - or (THE HORROR) losing that barrette? But where had I seen this hairstyle before? Not on Scarlett.

Then, last night, while watching Teen Mom 2 (shut up - don't judge), I saw a commercial that made me shout "A HA! THERE IT IS!"
That ad for a Trojan "massager." The ladies who have used it all surprise their girlfriends with the same hair! Now, I don't know how no one noticed their hair was shellacked back as if they used a whole can of hairspray, then hopped in a wind tunnel for that effect. But I do know that it is some bad hair. My bed hair even looks better than that (though I won't be posting a photo here or anywhere else).

Just a rare mishap for the lovely Scarlett. It's unfortunate that her hairstylist seemed to play a prank on her. It might be worse that I have seen this commercial before and could not remember what it was advertising, but those bad hairstyles stuck with me.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Week In Pop Culture

Julianne Moore is such a good sport!
Robert Redford says he's not asked to be in movies anymore.

Here's the worst celebrity influence of the year.

Wish I could get excited about this Charlie's Angels reboot.

Author Terry McMillan thinks those super cute Smith kids have problems. I think she wants some attention.

I think it's funny that these guys were "whipping their hair."

This sequel is not necessary.

Wondering what Tracy Morgan thinks of Sarah Palin? Here you go.

I refuse to even sample the music from this fame-whoring couple.

Kinda glad this guy turned down Modern Family.

Hugh Jackman has a big (snow) ball.

If this happens, I will be the first in line to buy tickets to the next Superman.

If this happens, I will quit Snow White.

Helena Bonham Carter doesn't care if I think she looks like a crazy homeless lady.

Charlie Sheen might die. Or he'll live forever. And I don't believe the hernia story.

John Travolta said "No" to Glee.

I had no idea people were claiming Jennifer Hudson is illumanti.

I have a feeling the Lady Gaga perfume will make me feel pukey.

This makes me think The Office is getting back to the funny business.

I already have high hopes for this show.

Still not convinced Angie Harmon is not a dude.

L-O-V-E: A slideshow of celebs gone Black Swan!

Only one of these guys would make me wish ____ & Kelly was on the air here.

OOOH! I could totally start watching MSNBC (if this is true).

I don't understand why so many stars want to be in this movie.

Here's a reality show for me!

A couple of big stars had a big bomb at Sundance. Or did they?

I have a sneaky suspicion this might be the most sexy baby ever. Aaaannndd I just creeped myself out by typing that.

This kid could probably knock me out.

This just in: Jesse James is still an idiot.

Here's Demi Moore pulling a Nicole.

This girl FINALLY shaved her legs. HINT: It's not me. I do that on the regular.

This totally makes me want to see Love and Other Drugs. CAUTION: NSFW.

Bret Michaels had heart surgery.

I didn't love Avatar, but I still haven't decided on whether I'll need to see the sequels.

The Oscar nominations have been made. NOTE: I have seen all the best picture nominees except "Toy Story 3." I'll get to it.

Also, the Razzie nominations were announced.

Definition of desperate: the girl who has picked out three engagement rings.

Because all the credible journalists do this.

Either someone needs to teach Gwyneth Paltrow how to get out of a car or she needs attention.

Madonna has decided to change the spokesgirl for her daughter's clothing line.

I think this means Bruce Willis won't be working with Kevin Smith again.

Keanu Reeves says there are more Matrix movies to come. Maybe I'd be excited if I had seen one? Oh, wait. That might not be true.

This Anthony Hopkins role sounds interesting.

Looks like Wonder Woman might be back on TV after all.

I think Jessica Simpson may be wasting God's time.

Suri Cruise is seriously cute.

Zsa Zsa is back home.

2011 is off to a rough start for Jaime Pressly.

Oprah's big secret was revealed. Meh. I found this Oprah news a little more interesting.

Least shocking news: Aaron Carter is in rehab.

Well, this just confirms my Steve Harvey theory: he's no good.

Oh, this is a tough call for the voters.

NBC is getting a Glee-like show.

Ivanka Trump is going to be a mom.

Rest in peace, Jack LaLanne.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

They Don't Make Them Like This Anymore

This morning, while listening to The View as I monkeyed around online, I heard something that made me stop and look up.

I couldn't believe my eyes!

First of all, I don't even know if people make videos with a story anymore. I only see tiny clips of videos between episodes of Teen Mom. Do "artists" just post them on the web? Oh, MTV, get back to the videos!

Second... The sequins, the tuxedoed backup dancers, the big hair - every bit of this makes me feel like I'm back in the 80s! For you kids, those were fun times when I didn't have all these grown up things - like a job and a mortgage - to worry about.

Third, please note that Rebbie Jackson, older sister of Michael still has that face. She didn't go the route of some of her siblings and decide to move things around. I like that about her.

So if having a little bit of a crush on this video is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Identity Crisis

This is me.
This is me on Twitter.
Me, right? And, yes, that is a smoking monkey all dressed up with no place to go on my page.

So, why, oh why, can't people on Twitter figure out that I am not who they're looking for? Examples:
At first, I thought this person was wishing me a happy Monday because I had been talking about my over-caffeination (which totally made me shaky and want to jump out of my skin and wonder how people do hard drugs). But, then I realized I did not know @AyyItsKarl. So I clicked on his name. I saw he wasn't talking to me. He was talking to this girl:
Same name, different Twitter handle. PS - if you're locking your tweets, you're defeating the purpose of this whole Twitter thing. You're better off just texting/Facebooking your random thoughts.

Next example:

These people weren't trying to teach me Spanish. They meant to send their messages to this girl:

Next example:

I investigated a little further.
Nope. Not me they were looking for.
While it's fun to see the excitement these people have for their similarly-named friends, I rarely reply to say, "Hey, dumbass! You should probably know your friend well enough to get her Twitter handle right!" In fact, I have never done that. I was trying to pull a conversation I had over the summer with some girls who said that I was on the beach in Miami having cocktails with them (while I was actually sitting in the windowless newsroom). I couldn't go back that far. I did reply to them by saying I wished I was there. The response was along the lines of, "Oh. Sorry. You're not our friend. But, you sound fun, so we wish you were here."

I know my name is not exactly unique. TRUE STORY: When I was reporting, there was a woman working for a small town newspaper in our viewing area who shared my name. She ended up putting her middle initial in her byline to try to avoid confusion. But, I still think people should be smart enough to know how to communicate with their friends on Twitter. Or, maybe that's too much to ask. I'll just keep using my Google translate so I can tell if they're spammers or just sloppy typers.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Apparently Kids Rule The World

You don't have to watch much TV to see that kids rule our world. They tell parents what cars to buy.

They scold parents.

But this out of control behavior isn't just the stuff in commercials. It's REAL.

Why is any parent taking orders from a kid with a pacifier in her mouth?

If these kids are a glimpse into our future, America, I'm afraid for us all. These kids will be sorely disappointed when they grow up and realize everyone does not think they're adorable, perfect and cute. And I really hope none of them show up to work wherever I am.

So, parents, I ask you to please stop letting your kids run your world. I don't want them to run mine.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Facebook Did Not Nail It

Seriously, Facebook, if not for the fact that I can look at my friends' cute baby pictures and roll my eyes at their posts, I would quit you.

You have repeatedly creeped me out with your ads (see posts here).

As well as you think you know me, you continue to show me that your data gathering is a bit off. This is the latest example.
First of all, I don't like nails that are that long. Stuff collects under them (which I think is a health hazard), it's too hard to make actual contact with things and they just scream escort/private dancer/girl who has a sugardaddy (not the candy).

Second, the idea of putting that nail "art" on my fingers seems like such a huge waste! I type for a living. I can barely keep the O.P.I. on my nails for two days before it starts chipping! A crazy pattern - I mean, what REAL people do this? And if you say to me, "Basketball Wives do it!" I will tell you those bitches are crazy. And their crazy can be measured by the size of their hoop earrings. Wait. I just made the connection: hoop earring wearers date/had babies/divorced basketball players. Clever.

I really wish Facebook would get a little smarter and place ads that actually appeal to me on their pages. Now, because of this post, I'll probably get more nail ads, which I'll just ignore - or publish here. Depends on my mood (currently: annoyed).

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Too Cute/Naughty Not To Share

Every now and then, I come across a site that makes me smile or laugh (and when it's inappropriate humor, I know that I have found the GOOD STUFF). After watching this for a few weeks, I've decided I must tell you all about this site.

It combines two things I love!

Cute animal pictures. I cannot get enough of these. Seriously. Finding pictures of adorable animals - especially baby ones - makes me deliriously happy. Also, it's probably a sign that I could be an animal hoarder in my later years. Friends, start planning the intervention now.

Curse words. Lots of them. Though, it's not a string of F-bombs. The words are used to tell the story from the picture. As one who creates a story about a license plate, I appreciate this.

I hope you'll take some time to check out NastyCute. It's totally OK to just look at the pictures if you don't like naughty language!

Friday, January 21, 2011

Week In Pop Culture

Here's the real reason Megan Fox is famous. You're welcome, fellas.

Currently stumping (and kind of amazing me): Nicki Minaj.

Angry Birds is the latest game to get the TV/web series treatment. REALLY.

Is The President getting rid of his gray hair?

Long live Paul The Octopus!

Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal may be back together.

Here's a totally unbelievable story about Katie Holmes.

The Clooney survived malaria.

Can't wait to see the Bob Fosse biopic!

I love these Rat Pack photos!

A couple of former teen hearthrobs talk about their good ol' days.

If you ever wondered if there was a link between Cameron Diaz and Snoop Dogg, wonder no more.

Robert Redford likes wife number two a lot.

I would really like Minnie Driver to name this star.

New movie partnership: Clint Eastwood and Beyonce!

I am SO happy this pop feud is over.

I think I love Jennifer Garner a little more after reading this.

Oh, Gordon Ramsay, this story is totally less believable than the hair transplant story.

Speaking of hair... Rihanna stole my bed head.

The latest old series to get new life: Lethal Weapon.

And we clearly need a remake of Annie.

Apparently, Halle Berry is a bit dramatic - not just in movies.

Nearly a year after he crushed Sandra Bullock, Jesse James has definitely moved on.

I just hope this doesn't ruin Anne Hathaway's career.

If you have $28 million, you can live in Zsa Zsa's house.

Reese Witherspoon still wows me.
This makes me like Piers Morgan a little bit.

Here's what you need to do if you want to date a Yankee.

I'm a little curious about this Johnny Depp movie.

Watch Rob Lowe lose it (warning: language is NSFW).

Joan Rivers learned not to mess with Sarah Palin if she wants to promote her business on Fox News.

Betty White celebrated her 89th birthday.

No words for this.

I would write Charlie Sheen's obituary, but if Keith Richards is still alive, I can't write off Sheen. He does make me wonder: at what point does one's wiener fall off?

It looks like Christina Aguilera could use a little help from Dr. Drew.

Remember Helen Hunt? Maybe this will refresh your memory.

Just a smidge of airbrushing here, no?

If Simon Cowell could say no to this, he must have a bazillion dollars in the bank already.

It appears this Boardwalk Empire actress needs to stay away from the booze.

This funny lady has a YouTube channel offering tips you never knew you needed.

Lauryn Hill seems to have climbed aboard the crazy train.

Maybe some good news about Matt Damon as Jason Bourne?

Charlie's Angels is coming back to TV.

This already sounds like the biggest douchefest to come to television.

Cute baby alert!
Jennifer Aniston really wants you to look at her.

It sounds like George Lucas is living one of his movies.

This news is kind of sad but not entirely surprising.

I'm not surprised teen girls can't get enough of this.

This pair (which I didn't really understand) broke up.

I forgot there's a 21 Jumpstreet movie in the works.

Nicole Kidman just had a baby girl - via surrogate.

Sandra Bullock is setting the record straight about her relationship with Ryan Reynolds.

Anne Hathaway is headed to Glee!

OOOH! The ghost of January Jones!

Not sure I like a non-brunette Kate Beckinsale.

I'm curious to see if Halle Berry can pull this off.

Owen Wilson is a dad.

This definitely makes me excited about the next Bond movie!

Hardly seems like there's enough of an age difference for these two to play father and son.

CBS can't decide if it wants to help a troubled actor or keep milking its cash cow.

I'm pretty sure people would have been OK if Sofia Vergara had worn this to the Golden Globes.

Joan Collins is weighing in on the Dynasty movie.

Adele almost killed P. Diddy.

The Talk has lost one co-host.

Zoolander 2 is maybe going to happen.

Good news: Zsa Zsa Gabor is still alive. Bad news: she lost part of her leg.

Let the DWTS casting speculation begin!

This actress is pregnant.

Rest in peace, John Dye.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I Know Who You Are

I do. I know where you live. I know how you found me. And I know that you're just a creeper. A lurker. A reader who looks at my ramblings and moves on. And you rarely have the courtesy to say, "hello."

So, dear, kind reader, I have decided to out you. Here are the three things I know about you.

You're Mostly American
I don't know what I need to get middle America to find me, but whatever. Can't please everyone. And you Europeans, in particular you Brits, find me regularly. The Internet is smart. It knows where you are. OOOH. Spooky.

You People Can't Get Enough of Me
My most popular post was written in July. The Pink Movie was a little rant about how Hollywood seems to think if you put pink in a chick flick, ladies will overlook the weak story line. My Eyes! MY EYES! was written back in 2008. It was linked from Deadspin (holla) because of the unusual photo I wrote about. While I have made Ten Things a recurring post, the one I wrote about MC Hammer in November keeps luring people back to my blog. CROCS: They're Not Just Ugly, They're Also Creepy was written in September. Apparently, you people need Google to confirm that creepy fact. Golden Globes: Live Blog/Drinking Game was just written Sunday. This tells me you people love celebrities and booze - perhaps not in that order. Which brings me to...

You People Like Booze
Before "Golden Globes Drinking Game" and those repeated requests for the Itty Bitty Umbrella (see post here) took over, most of you were finding this blog by searching for Chocovine (which I have written about here and here). You people like booze almost as much as I do (and my love for it is at a healthy range - for now). 

Now that I've revealed who you people are (wonderful, fabulous people), I only ask that you do one of two things:
please make a comment or click on one of the reactions boxes. I'm not asking you to send me fan mail. I just want to know if you like what you see. How hard is it to click on a freaking box?

You don't even have to go as far as these people and announce to the world that you follow this blog:

I didn't start writing this blog to charm you all with my wit, snark and odd observations. I did it because I wanted an outlet to share my world with my friends - and if a few hundred strangers find it, so be it. But I am a little creeped out by you people who wander onto this blog and linger for a few minutes, but don't give me any feedback. How do you people expect me to get any better if you don't tell me how I'm doing? 

PS - by "get any better," I mean as a writer. I'm not posting about my mental health. Yet. I think.