When I Win The Lottery...

This is me being optimistic. I know that I will win the lottery. It WILL happen someday. And when it does, this is how I plan to show up to collect my big check:

Photoshop Magic Courtesy of Adam Higgins

Yes. That's "me" in a wet suit with an LBJ mask. I'm on the beach because, well, that's where I demand the lottery people deliver my check if I must do that whole "dog and pony show." And when the reporters ask questions, here's how this will go:

Reporter: How did you choose your winning numbers?
Me: Did you ever think that making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else.

Reporter: How are you going to spend the money?
Me: Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.

Reporter: Are you going to travel with your winnings?
Me: Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.

Reporter: Do you plan to do some charity work?
Me: I am not a crook.

Reporter: Are you planning on giving any real answers?
Me: Read my lips - NO NEW TAXES.

And if that doesn't make people think twice about asking that crazy woman for cash, well, you should know that if my lottery jackpot doesn't come calling soon, I just might go all "Point Break" and form my own "Dead Presidents" gang.